A Vulnerable Share. . .
It wasn’t that long ago when I was holding myself back from truly being in this world in all its colors and vibrancy!
Maybe because we’re a month away from Pride, or one day into Mental Health Awareness month, or because like most people of my generation and below, I’ve been listening to the Tortured Poets Department non-stop and seeing my life echoed back to me in Tay-Tay lyrics (the full explicit versions) like:
“I’ll tell you something right now / I’d rather burn my whole life down / Than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning / I’ll tell you something about my good name / It's mine alone to disgrace / I don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empath's clothing. . .If all you want is gray for me / Then it's just white noise / This is my choice. . .”
Because that’s exactly what I did!
Photo Credit: Stephanie Mohan of Creative Portraiture, March 15, 2024
Even though I had two Masters degrees by the time I was 29 and had experienced the wildest adventures and deepest love through books of poetry, philosophy and literature, I didn’t feel like I was a real person in the world, and I couldn’t even feel my body. In fact, I believed that my body didn’t even belong to me and only existed for other people, and my mind was the only thing I needed.
At 29, I decided since my life had been all about books, movies and observing characters live the life I wanted, I should try to actually live it myself, and like all the books and movies, it was a mess. I fell for all the tortured souls that led me to doubt myself, my personality, my beliefs and emotionally, sexually and physically abused me.
I know what it’s like to wake up and feel like everything you’re doing is wrong because that’s what the people you love are telling you, to feel powerless and alone, to not care what your family and the people who knew you before you fell in love are telling you because of the promise of your fantasy coming to life. I know what’s it like to be dissociated and cut off from your body, and to lay down at night thinking about how the choices you made burned so many bridges and are keeping you away from having healthy relationships, but what you have is okay because maybe there isn’t anything better. It got so bad that I was evicted from my apartment because the apartment manager could see the quality of people I let into my home and did not approve. So, I know how painful it can be to lose yourself and the life you worked hard to create.
And, I know what it’s like to be on the other side of it now. To trust myself and feel, breathe and be, not just think. To carefully curate the people I allow in my life, not just the things and my surroundings. To be able to feel sensations in every part of my body that connect me to my inner wisdom and a self that is in alignment with what I want for myself and for the world. To have a life where I wake up to beauty all around me and within me, and to live in an incredible apartment with laissez-faire management. And at 39, I have the self-possession, self-love and self-empowerment that other people in my life take notice of and want for themselves.
And, I want it for them too! That’s why I do the work that I do in Dialogical Persona Healing Arts. I still remember the days and nights I lay awake envisioning revenge on my abusers, the countless dances I went to in the presence of one of them and how my body constricted and moved small, so no one would notice. I remember what it’s like to want to hide and disappear. I have dedicated myself to helping LOTS of people feel free to be who they are, to burn the cages of their unhealthy relationships to the ground and dance on the remains of their former life, so they can blossom into who they wanted to be all along.
